The greatful death of Silence
by Insanitys Plaything
Summary: Rating for Self MutilationDepression. Futher chapters will contain sex, girlgirl. ;) The beautiful auburn haired beauty takes center stage, in her story of killing the silence and comming out.
1. Steel Blade

Hermione paced back and forth within her bedroom, attempting to work out how to tell her parents. Hell, not just her parents. What about Harry...and Ron....or her other friends at school?  
  
"No!" she exclaimed aloud.  
  
Why should she have to tell anyone? She had gotten through this many years without saying a word....but then she remembered Viktor's words and went back to read his letter.  
  
Dearest Hermione, I have been much thinking about what you have written to me. Despite what you say, I believe still that you are amazing girl, and very very beautiful. I wish you much luck in confronting your friends and family. Love Always Viktor  
  
She sighed loudly, and then in an act utterly uncharacteristic to her, she tore up the letter and with her feet sent flying a large pile of text books. The pain that seared through her toes and then her foot only increased her anger. Confusing thoughts and words filled her mind which she attempted to erase, pulling at her hair.  
  
"Its not fair, its not bloody fair!" the auburn haired beauty vented, as she crumpled into a pile on the floor and burst into strangled sobs. No one could understand her, she knew this. Even if she hadn't dated Viktor, even if she told them years ago, even if she showed them, right up in their faces. No, she would have to keep this secret, deep in her belly, gnawing away at her insides, feeding her depression. With one last stifled cry, she pulled herself into bed and reached for the knife, on the bed side table, encrusted with dried blood. Sitting – half under the covers – she began to begin her nightly ritual of cutting deep into the flesh on her left arm. 


	2. Morning Revalation

Chapter One  
  
Hermione woke up later then usual, rubbing the sleep from the corner of her eyes. Through the open window streamed sunlight, blurring her vision. From outside her door she heard quick footsteps, a door knob being tried, and then worried taps on her door.  
  
"Hermione are you all right?"  
  
Hermione glanced down at her arm, dried blood and fresh wounds decorating her pale flesh.  
  
"Yes mother, I just slept in a little."  
  
There was a pause on the other side of the door before her mother replied, "oh, well...you have about an hour to get up and ready. Your father wants to drive you before his afternoon appointments."  
  
Hermione sighed and made some non-committal sound to her mother, as she walked towards her bathroom that was conveniently connected inside her room. As she stepped into the shower to wash the blood off her arms, condition her hair, and clean her body, she came to a sudden realization. She must talk to her friends. She could not wait any longer.  
  
An hour later, fed, washed, and packed, she was in the front seat of her father's car. His conversation was light and boring, as usual. He did not notice his daughter's reclusive state, as he yammered on about which patient had which problem. As he dropped her off at the platform and bid his daughter goodbye, she turned around and looked him in the eyes.  
  
"Will you still love me..... no matter what?"  
  
Mr. Granger gave his daughter a confused look and nodded his head.  
  
"Of course Hermione. Now time for you to go. You wouldn't want to miss your uh...ride...train...thingy..."  
  
He smiled kindly at his daughter, still not able to grasp the concept of a secret platform with a magic train. Not in the slightest reassured, she forced a sickly grin on her face, and slid through the barrier between platforms 9 and 10, and onto platform 9 3\4. 


	3. Thespian?

Chapter Two  
  
Hermione entered the train, her trunk following behind her on a levitation charm. She was resolute that she was going to tell them today, now, in the train. She didn't know how, or how they would react, what they would say, or if they would still want to be her friends. These, and other thoughts much worse, raced around her brain as she walked through the corridor trying to find an empty compartment, when a hand grabbed her from behind. She jumped and uttered a little scream as she turned around to see the grinning faces of Harry and Ron.  
  
"Hermione! You owls have been so...so BORING!!!" exclaimed Ron, "What ever happened re writing your history of magic essay to include your trip to France?" he teased.  
  
Harry on the other hand stared at her, choosing his words carefully. "I guess she has had...other things on her mind?" he asked questioningly.  
  
Hermione smiled faintly at her two best friends. They both cared and loved her so much. She felt a pang in her heart. What if they no longer liked her....what if they decided she was a freak? The familiar twang in her wrists made her realize that she had to tell, whatever the outcome. She was killing herself inside.  
  
"Ron...Harry. There is something we need to talk about. Privately."  
  
Ginny popped up from behind her.  
  
"Oh okay lets go then."  
  
Ron glared at his younger sister. "She said privately squirt. That means not you. Scat."  
  
Ginny glared back at Ron, and a battle of will began. Hermione and Harry looked at the two and began to chuckle, sibling rivalry at its best. Hermione quickly made up her mind and said "Ginny you can come too...Neville as well I suppose", she added as the chubby Gryffindor rounded the corner looking interested. The four of them gave Hermione a curious look as they followed her into an empty compartment.  
  
"Okay Hermione. What gives?" Asked a curious Ron. "You seemed distracted during exams last summer, very unlike you."  
  
"You answer all our questions about Viktor in a very ambiguous way...avoiding all our direct questions...he didn't hurt you did he?" asked Ginny in a very worried way.  
  
"Oh my god if he..."  
  
"Did your guys...."  
  
Hermione listened quietly to all this, and waited until they looked at her silently. She had been thinking while they talked, and decided what she was going to say.  
  
"You four have been my best friends...ever. Not just while at Hogwarts. I have been...thinking for a long time and I need to tell you all something. I...I think that after I tell you this... you might not be my friends anymore." Hermione silenced Ron with a glare. "You can have your say after I am finished. But for now let me talk. I just... need you to know that I love you all very much. So even if you hate me when I am finished...well. I guess that's the chance I take. I just cant keep this in any longer. Viktor and I dated for a while...you all know that. But I had to break up with him. I told him why I did, and ...well he was very sweet about it. He still writes me all the time...and we are good friends so Harry I see you looking like your about to kill him, he did nothing wrong. Its all me. I ...I ... I am a lesbian."  
  
There was silence in the compartment. Harry had a look of dawning comprehension on his face, while Ginny, Ron, and Neville looked at her in confusion.  
  
"You're an actress?"  
  
The tension broke for an instant as both Harry and Hermione broke out laughing. Hermione could see that Harry wasn't as shocked or upset as she thought he would be, and her mood lifted as Ron mistook her attraction to girls, to a Thespian, a dramatic person.  
  
The laughter only lasted a moment, as Hermione, emotions threatening to overwhelm her, broke into tears. The others didn't understand, lesbian was apparently a muggle word, and she didn't know how to go about explaining this. It was one thing for her to come out, now she had too tell then what it meant. Harry smiled kindly at her, and walked across the compartment, and pulled her into a hug, as the others still looked at her in confusion. Tears streaming down her face, Hermione attempted to speak, but was unable to as her sobs overwhelmed her. The stress was too much for her, and she sat back down on the seat. Harry would have to explain. 


	4. The Train

Thanks for all the reviews. The one thing everyone agrees on is that I write much to short chapters. So I am going to sit down and write until I have at least four pages. Probably more if I can. Also, just to clarify from last chapter. A THESPIAN, is a dramatic person, actor or actress. It isn't synonyms with gay, however there are quite a few lesbian thespians I am sure (  
  
On another note... Exactly one week ago from when this is being posted, something happened to me and some friends. I live in a very liberal city where we have a huge gay community. I have been out since I was 13, and apart from a few snide comments, have never had any problem with anyone (aside from the parental units). So I was very shocked, at being harassed on the sky train ( a form of public transit). Me and a group of friends were on our way to youth quest, a gay and lesbian youth group, and two guys started calling us fags and dykes. We got uncomfortable, especially since not a single person on the sky train lifted a finger to help us. So we left. And they followed us, with shank knives and a corkscrew.  
  
Long story short, no one was hurt. But it serves as a warning. To those who are gay and out, be careful. There are still nasty people about. To those who aren't...please don't just watch. The thing that hurt the most wasn't that these idiots harassed us. It was that THIRTY people watched, and turned their backs. A few even joined in to laugh. Be careful. Thank-you.  
  
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The summer had passed quickly for me, as I looked forward to another year at Hogwarts. I was approaching my fifth year, and that would mean O.W.L.S but I figured I could handle them. Despite what it may seem, I am a very intelligent girl. I just don't let my brothers in on this fact. Its easier to torment them that way. The morning was filled with the usual hustle and bustle as we raced around finding this and that from various locations of the house. Or rather, my brothers did, as I sat calmly in my room, packed from the night before. I was sitting in front of my mirror, an old antique thing, but beautiful none the less. I sighed at my reflection.  
  
"Thinking of a special someone dearie?" my mirror asked me. "no...yes...well sort of." I replied.  
  
I was thinking of a special someone. Someone I could never have, someone out of my grasp, so close, and yet so far away. Someone who would never love me. Not the way I wanted. Never in return.  
  
Yet still... here I was ..sitting in front of my mirror. Debating with myself how to earn a second glance, a compliment, something that I could cherish and think over later. A smile or a wink from my love meant more to me then a sack of galleons, and gods know I could use the galleons.  
  
"Smile dearie. Your always beautiful when you smile. Never mind the silly powders and creams some girls use. Look at yourself. You know you're a knock out. Long lets, creamy skin, vibrant hair. Just knock that scowl off your face and he will be at your feet."  
  
I did smile at that. I knew the mirror was telling the truth, I could have just about any boy at Hogwarts at my feet with the snap of my fingers. The trouble was, I didn't want just any boy at Hogwarts. I wanted the unreachable. Sighing again, I moved over to the window and opened it wide. Sitting on the windowsill, I searched through my purse for the thing that would calm me down. Fumbling around a few spare sickles and some lip-gloss, I found my pack of smokes, and lit one up with a match. Most from the magical word like wizarding cigarettes, that lit up instantly. They didn't provide me with the same relaxing calmness that good old muggle smokes gave me. Dad had something going when he said that muggles knew some things we didn't. Dragging the intoxicating smoke into my lungs, I let my body relax. I blew out the window, so the smell wouldn't contaminate the house, causing my parents to get into a fight with me. If they knew I smoked, well... they would be mad I guess. Just one extra thing to add to my stress. I took another drag, and let my mind wander back to that certain someone. With a smile on my face, I ashed my smoke out the window, and wondered what they would say when they saw how much I changed over the summer.  
  
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The feeling in the train compartment was one of confusion and worry. Ginny, Ron, and Neville, stared at the sobbing Hermione, not understanding what was wrong. Harry seemed a little shocked, but mostly fine, and Hermione was in a horrible state. Ron rushed over to Hermione, eager to comfort the girl he had loved from afar for the past five years. Neville didn't really know what to do, awkward as always in any emotional situation. Ginny stared. She was worried out of her mind about her best friend, but didn't want to approach. She was scared of touching Hermione, didn't want to scare her away. Then, into the middle of this mess, in waltzed Luna Lovegood.  
  
Luna surveyed the scene with her wide sleepy eyes. Her hat was perched jauntily on one side of her head, and six pony tails emerged from the other. She seemed to have abandoned her radish ear rings, for large furry balls. When her eyes feel on Hermione, she started, as if she hadn't noticed her there before.  
  
"What's wrong Hermione? Did you get bitten by a siggnel fornlax? When you get bitten by one of those, you cry for days and days. I knew this one guy..."  
  
"Luna." Harry cut her off, "Hermione is telling us something. You can either sit down quietly and let her talk, or you will have to leave."  
  
Luna promptly sat down, her robes billowing around her. Hermione looked up, hiccupping. Harry looked down at her.  
  
"Hermione. I want you to know that although I am a little shocked, I don't hate you. You are one of my best friends, and will remain that. I love you. You know that don't you?"  
  
Hermione avoided his gaze as she nodded.  
  
"Hermione. I don't care. I don't care if you like guys or girls or sheep. Sheep! Okay?"  
  
Hermione couldn't help but grin at that.  
  
"See! Your smiling."  
  
Harry swooped down and lifted Hermione up into a big hug. Hermione hugged him back, relieved, grinning, and still crying into his robe.  
  
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When I got to platform nine and three quarters, I looked around the platform for my love. No sign of them. Ron burst through the barrier after me, and helped me drag my trunk onto the train. We were walking up the hallway, looking for a familiar face after two months of holidays. Ron saw Harry, and ran up to him shouting. I smiled at the two, remembering when everyone thought I loved Harry Potter. I don't really know how to explain my feelings for him. I loved him, yes. It was complicated though. I was awed, and felt he was amazing, the same sort of feelings that many young girls get about famous celebrities. Not only that, but he knew my brother. All the girls in my dorm talked about this boy and that and I began to fee left out. Not knowing how to respond to all that, I began to convince myself I had a crush on Harry Potter. After a while I realized how wrong it felt. I dated several guys, slept with several more. I haven't loved any of them. While I watched their happy reunion, my heart suddenly stopped. My breathing became shallower and a faint heat rose to my ears. Down the hall, looking glorious and breathtaking, walked Hermione Granger. Her lips were closed in a small pout, her forehead crinkled in thought. Ron and Harry saw her as well and Ron grabbed her shoulder from behind causing her to jump. She jumped up and shrieked. My brother goggled at her like he always did. I shook my head. Boys.  
  
"Hermione! You owls have been so...so BORING!!!" the dolt exclaimed. "What ever happened re writing your history of magic essay to include your trip to France?" he teased.  
  
My brother has loved Hermione for as long as I can remember. He doesn't say so, but you can tell. Hermione smiled very weakly at them. My heart was gripped in worry. What was wrong with her. Harry, quiet and reclusive since last year, stared at her. "I guess she has...other things on her mind?" he asked her questioningly. I felt a pang for Harry as well. I loved him as a friend, despite having no attraction to him, and it didn't seem as if anyone could reach him anymore.  
  
"Ron...Harry. There is something we need to talk about. Privately."  
  
Her voice was full of pain. I came up slowly and attempted to be cheerful, for her sake. "Oh okay lets go then." I said, wanting to hold her, but not daring. My brother glowered at me.  
  
"She said PRIVATELY squirt. That means not you. Scat." Anger coursed through me. I could not stand that he treated me as a child. Our age difference was only one year, and I would say that if one was to judge our maturity levels, Ron would be left far behind me. I cast around for words, trying to be diplomatic. Shouting at him would only prove I was a squirt, an annoying... fourth wheel... who was too young to understand anything of importance. Before I could open my mouth, Hermione saved me by saying, "Ginny you can come too." I glanced at her gratefully, and noticed Neville peer around the corner, watching us with interest. "Neville as well I suppose."  
  
We all followed her into an empty compartment, and I quietly slid the door shut behind us. I sat close to her, but not close enough to cause suspicion.  
  
"You answer all our questions about Viktor in a very ambiguous way...avoiding all our direct questions...he didn't hurt you did he?" I asked her directly. I had worried about this all summer. She usually wrote me long letters in reply to mine, but her answers had been short and impersonal. My remark caused an uproar among the boys who pounced on her, asking her questions. I just stared at her, entranced by how beautiful she was, even in such misery. It became her even, sitting there, with her silky auburn hair cascading over her back and face, casting a shadow on her comely features, draped in a black witches robe. I longed to stroke her face...run my fingers through her hair. She listened to their queries, as I let them pass over me. Then she opened her mouth and began to speak.  
  
"You four have been my best friends...ever. Not just while at Hogwarts. I have been...thinking for a long time and I need to tell you all something. I...I think that after I tell you this... you might not be my friends anymore." Hermione glared at Ron as he began to protest. "You can have your say after I am finished. But for now let me talk. I just... need you to know that I love you all very much. So even if you hate me when I am finished...well. I guess that's the chance I take. I just cant keep this in any longer. Viktor and I dated for a while...you all know that. But I had to break up with him. I told him why I did, and ...well he was very sweet about it. He still writes me all the time...and we are good friends so Harry I see you looking like your about to kill him, he did nothing wrong. Its all me. I ...I ... I am a lesbian."  
  
This did absolutely nothing to clarify anything for me. What the fuck is a lesbian I thought to myself? Does she have some sort of weird disease? I stared at her...waiting for some sort of explanation.  
  
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Harry sat Hermione back down and faced everyone else. Hermione put her face into her hands, not able to listen to him as he spoke.  
  
"I guess lesbian is a muggle word...none of you know what gay is do you?" All he received was blank stares. He took a deep breath. "Well...we all know that guys and girls like each other.." Ginny looked up at him sharply. "Well sometimes, in the muggle world, some people are born who don't like people of the opposite sex. Like...some boys...like to have sex with other boys" he proclaimed awkwardly, with a side glance at Ron, "And I guess...I don't know.." He finished pathetically. Everyone looked at him. Harry turned red, trying to think of what else to say, "And well... in the muggle world this is a big thing...people tend to hate these people. Like... aren't friends with them and beat them up and such."  
  
Ron and Neville were the epitome of confusion, Ginny was staring avidly at Harry, and Luna looked spacy. Everyone was silent for a moment.  
  
"So Hermione is a lesbian. And a lesbian is a boy who likes other boys." Stated Luna.  
  
Harry looked exasperated, "No. A lesbian is a GIRL who likes other girls."  
  
Silence again. Then Ron looked up at Hermione, his face contorted. "What the fuck. You're a dyke?" Hermione cringed. Apparently the derogatory terms in the muggle world, were used in the wizarding one. "What the FUCK Hermione. I ..I ...AND Harry??? YOUR OKAY WITH THIS? What the hell is wrong with you guys? Ginny...? Neville? LUNA?? The fuck you guys are all out of your tree. Your sick Hermione. SICK" and with a strangled shout he left the compartment.  
  
Hermione looked up. "Well that went well"  
  
Ginny rushed over to her and gave her a big hug. "Hermione don't listen to him! Oh god I'm so proud of you for telling us that. My brother he's just... he just. Well he loved you. Don't worry. He will come around. Me and Harry are here for you...and Neville and Luna?" she added questioningly looking at the two.  
  
Neville nodded, looking at her, his face pale. "Whats wrong Neville?" asked Harry.  
  
Neville blushed. "Well uhm...eh...if you're a ... a lesbian...how do you uh..?" He trailed off looking at Hermione.  
  
Hermione blushed as well, and was saved answering from Luna.  
  
"Oh you know. Fingers and things." Now it was Hermione's turn to be shocked.  
  
"How do you know that?" she asked.  
  
"Know what?" replied Luna.  
  
"never mind Luna..."  
  
Hermione looked at them. "So ..you guys promise your okay..and...oh god Ron." she broke into tears again. Harry looked upset and said, "I am going to go look for him okay? We will talk things out. I ... sort of hoped he would be okay with the whole... gay thing." He looked upset for a moment, then made his face stony and walked out the door, searching for his best friend. Neville was still gaping at Hermione, who said "Listen. I need some time alone okay. See you at school." , and left the compartment. Ginny looked at Neville and Luna and said, "Me too." And followed closely behind, leaving Neville and Luna alone. Luna smiled over at Neville, and said "remember what happened last time we were left alone in a room?" Neville grinned wanly, as the ravenclaw girl began walking over to him, the dreamy expression in her face fighting with a smile of seduction.  
  
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MEANWHILE....  
  
My mind was racing. Hermione was a dyke? She liked girls? She wasn't in love with Viktor? Oh my god...does this mean she might love me? Could this mean that I have a chance...but I am her best friends little sister...well he got pissed at her...maybe that means its okay...but I am not hot enough for her... oh my god. These thoughts and others filled my mind as I ran to the end of the train, pushing past people in the hallways. The fat lady with the lunch tray slowed me down.  
  
"The usual sparky?"  
  
I stopped and clamored in my pockets for some change. I handed her 5 sickles.  
  
"Someone's antsy today 'rnt they me love?" she asked, as she pressed a pack of smokes into my hand. I shrugged and continued running down the hall way.  
  
As I reached the back of the train I slowed down, and opened the door. Sitting on the small metal platform was Harry. I sighed. I need to smoke, he was in my fucken place.  
  
"What are you doing back here Harry?" I asked.  
  
"Sitting a while." He looked at the box of matches in my hand and the box that was outlined in my pocket. I hastily hid the matched and glared at him. He just laughed and motioned for me to sit across from him. I closed the door and sat down on the hard metal.  
  
"Want to spare a smoke for a friend?" He asked, shocking the hell out of me. "You smoke?" I asked in surprise. "I know. What a surprise. Now toss one over." I handed him one of my smokes, and a magick match which he pressed against the end of the smoke lighting it instantly, with no flame. He passed it back to me and I did the same.  
  
"So why did you start?" I asked him curiously, Hermione leaving my mind for a minute.  
  
"What do you think? Stress."  
  
"Wanna share?"  
  
"Living at the Dursley's... that's when I started. Back when I was eleven. Then coming here.... All that shit with Voldemort... then Sirus dying.. and then ron...ron not..." he stopped.  
  
I looked at him with curiosity. "Ron not what?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
I looked at him, starting to grasp what was wrong. I took a long drag of my smoke, allowing it to calm my nerves and stop me shaking. The smoke billowed and was left far behind as the train continued on.  
  
"Harry. Are you in love with Ron?"  
  
He looked at me, I understood his silence. "You heard him in there with Hermione... he thought she was a freak. And he loves her. Not me. He loves her." I smiled at him.  
  
"Well Mr. Famous Harry Potter. Seems you and I are in the same boat. Welcome to my world." He looked at me in shock, and I silently handed him another smoke. "Welcome to my world." 


	5. Strawberry Gashes

Thanks for all the reviews. Your right charmed lassie. I do take liberties in fan fiction :P That's why its fan fiction and not the actual books. I guess I should put an explanation in though. Smoking is a relaxant, it calms your entire body, and helps clear your mind. It is a mind altering drug, despite what people say. You just feel so clear of whatever's bothering you. Harry has gone through so much shit, I don't see how he doesn't have SOMETHING to help him through it all. Lordie, with my ability to cope with stress, if I went through all that I would be a drug addicted manic in St Mungos by now. So I figured I would give him something to help the poor boy out. A smoke once in a while wont hurt him. Besides im sure the magical word has some way of removing tar from your lungs. He probably drinks some sort of elixir to keep up his lung capacity. Leave him alone with addictions! LoL :P  
  
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Chapter Four  
  
What are you supposed to do when you love someone so much you think you might die because of it?  
  
Harry's question rang in Ginny's head the rest of the train ride, as the two of them finished off a pack of smokes, and walked back in the train. It followed her the rest of the train ride, and during the ride to Hogwarts, as the thestrals carried them gracefully to the castle. She walked into the Great Hall, sitting down at the Gryffindor table. Hermione followed her close behind, sitting across her at the table, accompanied by Harry, Neville, and Luna. Ron was no where to be found. Hermione noticed this, and looked farther down the table where he was flirting shamelessly with Lavender. She wasn't jealous, but his absence cut her deep. She scanned the staff table, her eyes falling on Hagrid. He waved at her merrily, which only saddened her more. Yet another person to tell, and face rejection. It could have been worse she tried to tell herself... It was only Ron who didn't approve. This didn't improve her mood. She heard a high pitched laugh from the other side of the table and saw Lavender giggling at something Ron was saying. Ron caught Hermione's tear filled eyes, and glared at her, before returning his attentions on Lavender. Hermione excused herself from the table, and walked to the Dormitory. As a prefect she already knew the passwords, and figured she would leave it to Ron to assist the first years this year.  
  
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I watched the exchange of glances between my intolerant brother and the praised object of my dreams. When I saw her face crumple and her dark bistre eyes fill will tears, I was filled with so many emotions at once I didn't know how to cope with them. Love for Hermione, pity, sadness, and hatred and anger directed at my brother, but a strange type of sisterly love and empathy. I knew how it was to be forever denied the one you desired. I glanced up at the head's table, and took off running after Hermione.  
  
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(Strawberry Gashes – Jack Off Jill)  
  
Ginny saw Hermione run through the portrait hole and ran to get in before it swung shut. Hermione ran up to her room, Ginny following, quietly now, behind. Hermione sat down on her bed, tears in her eyes.  
  
Turn her over  
  
A candle is lit, I see through her  
  
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me  
  
Hermione went over to her trunk, brought up previously by the Hogwarts House Elves. Shifting through her trunk, her fingers clutched around a shinny metal object. Ginny didn't understand... what would she want with a knife. Hermione rolled up her sleeves of her robes and tucked them up so they wouldn't fall down as she walked over to the window, and sat down on the little alcove, her body facing Ginny. Her tears were now staining her school robes. Ginny wondered briefly why she was wearing long sleeves under her robes. Wouldn't she be hot under all those layers? She continued watching through the crack off the door, as Hermione tenderly peeled off her long black sleeves. Ginny blanched and wavered, attempting not to make any audible noise.  
  
Curse me sold her  
  
The poison that runs it's course through her  
  
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over  
  
Hermione was sitting quietly in her room, crying. The others wouldn't be up for another two hours at least. The speeches hadn't even started, the eating hadn't commenced, people were still greeting old friends. She had time enough for what she needed to do. Attempting to see through her tears, she searched through her trunk to the hidden side board where she found her blade. She grinned a sick grin, tears still streaming, and sat down on the boards near the window. She rolled up her sleeves, she hated the feel of fabric on her skin, and it burnt. She then pulled off her long black sleeves that she always wore, and laid them down neatly beside her.  
  
Watch me fault her  
  
You're living like a disaster  
  
She said kill me faster  
  
with strawberry gashes all over  
  
Ginny stared, transfixed at Hermione's arms, her pale white skin, lacerated and scarred. She watched Hermione; tears dry now, pierce her tender skin with the sharpened blade. Her eyes dried up, and her face showed no sign of pain. The tears Hermione were unable now to shed, appeared in Ginny's eyes, as she watched this graceful, intelligent creature, disfigure her long elegant arms. Hermione now apparently finished with a series of small cuts, began to work on one over and over. Drops of blood began to well, until the red poison began to flow more freely. Soon, Hermione began to smile, as blood seeped over onto her robes. Ginny didn't know what to make of this... she seemed so calm, so at peace, as her right hand quickly cut deeper and deeper into her arms. She pushed slightly one the door, and squeaked in surprise as the door let out a groan.  
  
Called her over  
  
and asked her if she was improving  
  
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here  
  
Hermione gasped, and dropped her blade, reaching for her wand, staring in terror at the door.  
  
Hex me told her  
  
I dreamt of a devil that knew her  
  
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over  
  
Ginny attempted to blend into the shadows behind the door, and heard a quickly uttered cleaning charm, and hurried footsteps.  
  
Watch me fault her  
  
You're living like a disaster  
  
She said kill me faster  
  
with strawberry gashes all over  
  
I walked over to the door, fear pounding through my body. Who the hell was watching me? What would they think, a prefect, the student with the highest GPA, the prime candidate for head girl, Harry Potter's best friend, slashing herself alone in her room? Who dared to invade my privacy. Fear ebbed away and was converted into anger, as I hurriedly pulled my robes over my arms, and muttered a quick cleaning charm, before walking across the room.  
  
I lay quiet  
  
waiting for her voice to say  
  
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"  
  
My heart pounded. What would Hermione think, me watching her as she mutilated herself, something she obviously didn't want anyone to know about. Something she would be very upset at should someone find her there. Excuses ran through my mind as she wrenched the door all the way open.  
  
Scold me failed her  
  
If only I'd held on tighter to her  
  
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me  
  
"Ginny this isn't what it looks like I swear...I ... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WATCHING ME?" I stuttered...words were at a loss for me. What could you possibly say in a situation like this? "Sorry. I see you are busy dragging knives through your flesh. Shall I come back at a more convenient time?" What the hell was I supposed to do? Hermione was glaring at me, daggers in her eyes. I didn't know someone could be capable of such anger. I was actually terrified, scared of what she might do. "Hermione I was just..I was worried...I thought"  
  
Watch me lose her  
  
It's almost like losing myself  
  
Give her my soul  
  
and let them take somebody else get away from me  
  
She stuttered as she tried to think of what to say. She obviously saw what I was doing, I could see it in her face. "Hermione I was just...I was worried...I thought.." she stuttered. "Hermione I love you." She gasped, then brought her hands up to her mouth in shock.  
  
Watch me fault her  
  
You're living like a disaster  
  
She said kill me faster  
  
With strawberry gashes all over all over me 


	6. Saltine Kisses

Sorry for the long time updating. I don't think I have an amazingly large fan base, however I know there are a few of you who do read, so thank you very much for keeping with me. Things have been making my life a little tumultuous at the moment, however im getting things back on track. Thanks again for staying with me, and I look forward to getting many reviews. I know this one isn't long. Its just to let you know im alive. I have nothing to do for the next few days so there should be another update soon.  
  
IMPORTANT: Fan fiction takes liberties, and hear is one I would like you all to be aware of that I am taking. Some fan fictions leave out the plot that should be going on in the sixth year, with the prophecy and all that. It bothers me that they do that, because it's a big part of the book. However I agree with what they are doing. I am not nearly the writer that Rowling is, and I do not wish to play with her plot. I cant give it justice and so I am putting it on the stand by. So yes. Harry is upset over the death of Sirus, he is morning him. But there will be no voldemort to contend with, and no Harry going suicidal and bitching at everyone, eventually removing himself from all his friends.  
  
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"Ginny this isn't what it looks like I swear...I ... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WATCHING ME?" I screamed, livid with anger. I watched her, heat building behind my eyes, yet at the same time, a sad sorry relief washed over me. Whatever happened now... well maybe it would end the pain. "Hermione I was just... I was worried...I thought" she stuttered, attempting to right this wrong.  
  
Watch me lose her  
  
It's almost like losing myself  
  
Give her my soul  
  
and let them take somebody else get away from me  
  
"Hermione I was just...I was worried...I thought.." I tried to speak. "Hermione I love you." Oh god I said it oh god. I let out a gasp as my eyes widened, and I brought my hands up to my mouth in shock. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Harry sat awkwardly beside Neville, staring across at Luna. He had missed the sorting ceremony several times, but when he had been there, even in their first year when they hated Hermione, the three of them had always sat together. Neville and Luna, well they were Neville and Luna. He couldn't wait for the feast to be over so he could head to his dormitory and sink into sleep. Mindlessly he put the fork from his plate to his mouth again, not really noticing what it was he was eating. Dumbledore stood up at the head table, and began mouthing words that Harry wasn't interested in listening too. People started to rise and the halls were cleared. Harry went over to Ron who was – unsuccessfully - attempting to round up the first years. Harry shook his head and smiled at his best friend. Putting two fingers to his lips he let out a loud piercing whistle. The Gryffindor table went silent, as did the other three, and looked at Harry. He cracked a fake smile and shouted "Gryffindor first years this way please". Ron grinned at Harry gratefully and they began the walk towards the dormitories, Ron and Harry commenting on the stair cases and portraits as they made their way up. Ron then lowered his voice and began to talk to Harry. "How about Hermione then? Bit of a right shock isn't it mate? Stupid Dyke." Harry cringed. "Ron, ask yourself seriously. Are you more upset at the fact that Hermione is a les...dyke, because you think its wrong, or because you love Hermione." Watch out for this step, you will fall right through it, asked Harry. Ron stared at him a moment in shock. "I don't bloody love that little dyke. She's disgusting. Next thing you know she will be having sex with random first years in cupboards and ..." He trailed off as he noticed he was shouting, and the first years were watching him in shock. "uhm... righto er..." His ears were turning pink, and his whole face flushed. "Just ahh...little acting for my acting club..back home..heh..heh... PASSWORDS Pearlytears, boys dorms that way girls that way no GO"  
  
Harry looked at him disdainfully. "well you handled that one well didn't you" and left Ron standing in the common room.  
  
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I didn't know what to say. Total shock filled my body. There was no words that could express how I felt. I, the most brilliant student In my year, and probably the entire school, was for the first time, at a complete loss of words. So I didn't say anything, just simply leaned forward and pulled Ginny towards me. Blood still flowing from my fragile arms, I pulled her face towards mine and breathed in her scent. Her lips brushed mine briefly, sending electricity through my lips, shivers through my body. I pulled her in closer, feeling her warm body shake beneath my touch. Then.... Then I looked at her eyes, her bright, tear filled eyes, and lay my lips across those of the one I have loved from afar.  
  
She stared at me, the color draining from her face. She opened her mouth several times, closing it as she could find no words to answer me. I felt my life closing in around me, the enormity of what I had done striking me across my face. In just a few emotion felt words, I had confessed to my love, betrayed my brother, outed myself, thrown all caution to the wind, and lay my life in front of her. I was not worried she would say a word to anyone. In any case, I did not care if people knew. What I had done, was to risk the pain of rejection. I tried to speak, tried to take it back, and before the suitable words could come to my mind... I was there. In her arms. Wrapped by more then just her supple limbs, but by her warmth and love. She enfolded me, me who had seen her so exposed, so raw, and yet it was her who was comforting me. I wept into her shoulder before looking, staring, peering upwards into her eyes. Her bistre eyes gazing at me, also brimming with salty tears. I leaned forward and felt the faint brush of her lips on mine. I trembled beneath her touch, then began to kiss the lips of the one I have loved....from afar.  
  
I tasted something in those kisses...I tasted love, passion, and salty tears, as she wept, each droplet a testament to how much she cared for me. I ran my tongue over her lips, causing her once more to shiver in my arms. I felt an amazing peace come over me, a feeling of such love and perfect happiness, holding Ginny in my arms. For the first time in a long time, something felt right.  
  
I felt her warm blood flow down my back, causing me pain. I wished to the depths of my soul that I could take it from her, bare this for her. All I could do was to continue holding her, continue kissing her, continue breathing her in. Her hair enclosed our faces, there was nothing in the room but her. Had there been a thousand students in there with us, we would have remained oblivious. She ran her tongue over my lips, and I slowly parted them, allowing her to explore the insides of my mouth. I hesitated at first, before responding to this marvellous touch, so alien to me, and yet so perfectly right. This was not the awkward fumbling and slimy panting I was used to at the hands of many boys. This did not even compare to those males more skilful in the acts of love. This simple thing, this kiss, this touching of her lips against mine, brought me to higher heights then I had reached with any boy, or even from the touch of my own hands. Eternity passed by, when in reality, it had only been a minute.  
  
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